Israel Vasquez Jr.

I’ve made some very poor judgment in the past, and because of such, I’ve made “mistakes”, like all us humans tend to do from time to time.  The problem with mine is that it not only affects me directly, but it affects everyone around me, the people that love me and that I Love.

It also directly affects some innocent little people, yes … my kids: Cristian and Clarése.  See, let me tell you a story of how I came about with these 2 very lovely, unique and beautiful kids.  Like every young person does at some point in time; I fell madly in love. She was my friend, we courted, we “fell in love” or that was what I thought.  But like all relationships do, they tend to end.  And I was so heartbroken, when this person decided to leave.  If you have ever been madly in love and not corresponded, you would know what I’m talking about.  I wanted to self destruct, in fact I consciously almost did.  I got into drinking, partying, and I even got myself into an accident, thinking it would be easier to die quickly, cowardly and painlessly than to suffer this disease of the heart.

As you can see by me writing this blog that like a cat, yours truly has nine lives! I lived to get over that broken heart, and continued “enjoying” my life.  And one of those nights partying, I met her; yes… the mother of my kids.

Now, I don’t know what possessed me to go up and ask her to dance that night, I still can’t explain the weird attraction I felt to her.  I blame my poor judgment, I have no choice.  From there it escalated to a whirlwind semi-relationship (if there’s such a thing), where we were only together to enjoy the moment, to live for the day without thought about anything else not even our non-existent feelings.  I didn’t love her, she didn’t love me either.  We didn’t know what love was.

I’m not sure who to blame more, the poor products of those conniving pharmaceutical companies (she claims she was on the pill) or my super sperm.  Either way Cristian was conceived into this non-existent relationship, we didn’t want to anything to do with each other after those 3am weekend nights.  But nevertheless I managed to convince her that we should try and give this baby a family, and I did my first big mistake… which was moving in together because “of the baby”, even though there was no mutual love.

As you can guess, it didn’t work, we were constantly fighting and arguing, all the while Cristian was getting bigger and understanding everything (I swear these kids come with the equivalent of dual core cpu micro-chips nowadays, when I was born we were still only at Pentium 3).  It culminated with charges of domestic violence (false, I must clarify) and me spending a night behind bars.  It was when I decided I’ve had enough, and moved out, with the thought in my mind that it was better this way, rather than have the kid grow traumatized in a dysfunctional relationship.

I thought I would be able to move on, and take care of my kid and still be a good father to him. But it would prove to be a challenge. The independent, do it herself, girl that I had met that night at that bar, had become quite dependent on me. And I was bound to this false sense of responsibility to her, so I took care of her financially.  It was six months of living hell.

I wasn’t living for me anymore, I was paying 2 bills, 2 rents, etc, I practically couldn’t spend 25$ on myself. But that wasn’t the end of that, it seems that not only was I bound financially but emotionally also (The Learning Channels’ theory explains that we humans are bound to one another by some emotional hormones that we transmit during coitus. i.e. the more we fuck, the more we’re fucked cause it ties us emotionally to each other, even if out of sex we don’t want to be).

I’m really beginning to think I really do have Super Sperm ™ (note the trademark, this time she claims it’s the injection that failed).  Clarése was conceived apparently before I had fully moved out, but by the time I found out, I had already moved out and was not living with her anymore. After going through hell and high water for my son, for whom I had to go as far as Family court to maintain some semblance of a relationship which proved to be an arduous and emotionally draining process, I had made another poor judgment and this baby was on the way.

Nevertheless, after my court case, I felt so relieved that my faith in the English legal system (that powers our Legislation) was restored because they had ruled in my favor for access and visitation rights.  I decided it was time I moved on and started living again.  As I tend to do this “young man in a hurry” as certain people have characterized me: moved immediately on.  In August 2009, a bit after my case was finished, and 3 months before Clarése was born, I met this wonderful, beautiful and very special Girl (with a capital G).

The rest is history as they say, I started living again (as Cliché as it may sound). I felt life had purpose, and for the first time I felt truly happy and contented; and very much in LOVE. I had found the one person, who understood me, and who because of what she had also been through in her past knew what it is to hurt, to suffer, to be angry, and we knew we just wanted to be good together; we’d be each other’s cure.

And that is where we are now; though I can’t say it was all a fairytale, it was far from it though it was still so good that it felt like a little slice of heaven.  I think we went through a very tumultuous beginning, something no other relationship had been through, but it didn’t matter, because we were sure about each other and though there were at times doubts that ran through our minds, we knew in the end it would all be good.  Things would work out.

We are in Love.

Fast forward to now, a rainy Sunday afternoon, trying to enjoy a movie with my Loves.  And my world is rocked upside down again. The witch had decided that she can’t do it on her own, that they, my kids … are better off with me.  Now, I don’t know what to think, I don’t know whether to believe her or not.  Until I have a legal document before my eyes with her signature on it, I will know if it’s true and I will be contented.

Nevertheless, a part of me can’t help but hope. You see that is what I’ve wanted all along. In my mind I have failed them as a Father too much already. Having brought them into this world without so much as a thought to all that they would have to suffer without a proper family unit, without a proper upbringing.  I believe that to countenance this, to give them a proper family, I have to start again, have them with me, try to somehow stitch together some sort of semblance of a proper upbringing.  I re-iterate, I believe this can only happen if they are with me. Because her mother, try as much as she can, and put up as much fight as she does, cannot give them the upbringing they deserve.

So it is where I am, I’m hoping without hoping too much.  Knowing that like the line in the poem that inspires the title for John Steinbeck’s famous book:  “The best laid schemes of mice and men Go often askew”.

Best explained by these lines quoted from Wikipedia:

“The connotation is that even when you mean no harm and have pure intentions, you can destroy somebody else’s well laid plans. Life is unpredictable, and while preparing for the unpredictable future we are not enjoying the present moment - which the mouse seems to be able to do. The narrator reminisces on “prospects drear,” i.e. bad events that have happened in the past which in some ways prevent him from moving on. Furthermore, some say that he is very fearful of the future and that these two reasons do not allow him to enjoy the present.”

And so I stand, as I conjure a plan to not plan, a choice when there is none to make.  I will only live the present moment and enjoy them.  It will work out; deep down I know everything will.

The only thing I have to do, which can best be compared to my dad calling me and asking me to go boil the pot of beans so as for the “beans to not spoil”. Is just that, don’t let the beans spoil. Live life and enjoy every minute of it, but don’t let it go bad.

It is what it is, this our thing, “Of Beans and Men”.